i know noone reads this. but i still feel the need to express my feeling. i would love nothing more than to run to my family and just start weeping in their arms, but i feel the need to be strong for them. i would feel selfish if i did. their loss seems so much greater then mine. i couldn't imagine how my grandfather must be feeling. he lost his only daugher, and the mother of his childern exactally a month apart from one another. i once heard that the death of a child is the hardest to bare. i don't envy his pain and suffering.
all i want to do is just cry hysterically with my father. i want him to tell me that it'll be ok, that in some strange way the tragity my familt has resently been victim to will give way to something worth living for. but i can't, i don't know why. i can't tell anyone. i can't let anyone in. i don't know what i'm afraid of, being hurt, or actually letting myself love. it's so sad. i can't find words to confort those i love, nor they me.
i'm so terrified that sharon was a glimps into my own future. i'm troubled and lonely, just like she is, was. i don't want to like them, my family. i don't want to have my childern grow up in a loveless lonesome life. i just want someone to say that no matter what i say or do, they're not going to leave. and then practice what they preach. it feels much like drowning infront of a crowrd of people, but noone rushes the waters to me.
dad tired to assure me that it wasn't a suicide. trying to give my some confort that one day, when i pass on i'll see her again. i don't believe it. if she had to die, it was a very beautiful end, next to the man she loved, no matter how much of a dick he was. was it's so strange to say was. she isn't anymore. she now was. i can only pray that she knew i loved her. she reached out for me, she wanted someone care for her, much the same as i want someone to care for me. but i let her push me away. i don't deserve it, i denied it to someone else. i know it's warped and i shouldn't think this way, but maybe if i didn't let her push me away, she would still be alive. maybe if i told her should could never do anything to make me love her less, she would still be alive. i just wanted to save her, but i was too scared.
her boy friend called me. i was impressed at how much he really cared for her. i should have given him a chance. i didn't. looking back on th epast two months, there are so many things i would have done differently.
my father looks so sad. i don't know what ti say to him. i wish i had the power to take the pain away. i just feel so help less. this whole post might not be making sence. maybe it's better that way. idk what i'm ment to learn from this, or what good will come out of losing two beloved family memebers. all i can do is have faith that god has a plan. and that he will one day easy my suffering.
i can hear my dad crying in the next room. that sound cuts deeper then losing them both. i love him so much, it's killing me to see him in the shape he is.
on the off chance that someone had read this, please pray for my father. pray that he will find peace, and understanding of the terrible loss. and pray for me. i don't know what i need to find happiness, but just pray i find it someday.
r.i.p sharon reyne stankard. this world was never ment for someone as beautiful as you.
Dumb Blonds
we can read too