be still restless soul

it's about 8 am, i've been awake for hours but couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. i'm doing much better. i think after thursday when i broke down, i was able to deal with it. i almost feel guilty that i'm doing ok. i feel i should be morning so much more. i told my father there is no right or wrong way to grieve. he seems ashamed of himself bc of how upset he is. althought i'm so worried about him, apart of me is thankful he feeling something. i think experiancing loss, and heart ach is just as helpful as love, and joy.

one thing i can say i've learned the past few days is the i have to stop trying to live for everyone one else. i really want to thank everyone who has been trying to knock some sence in me. it's finally sunken in. as someone said i have "to just be." it seems so simple, yet profound. someone else heard me say "i'm in so much pain, and if i could just save one person from the angish i feel, i would be happy" his responce was "then save youself from it." that one hit me pretty hard. i tend to messure my life by how many people i help, and not myself. so my new outlook is simple. i'm just going to live my life, and be exactlly who i am. and if no one likes it, thats on them.

the funeral is today. i'm terrified. i haven't seen anyone in my family execpt my dad since the accident. it's going to be so hard. jeese called me, and we had a long talk. he said i was the strongest person he's ever met. i think he has more faith in me, than i do. i'm afriad of the emotion. all the men in my family act so strong, and to see these men cripled by grief, i don't know how i'm going to handel it. my aunt told me to "just breathe." all these profound little sound bits are so inspiering to me, being, living, and breathing seem obvious, but i needed to be reminded. in plain language, today is going to suck, but i know it won't suck forever. i know that god will be with me. i just have to stop being so stubborn and ask for the strengh.

sharon, we miss you so much.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)